


Stuck in the Middle with You

by alittlegreenrosetta



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas, Clowns, Cotton Candy, F/M, Fluff, Romance, double dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5372744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlegreenrosetta/pseuds/alittlegreenrosetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Harley wants for Christmas is for her best friend to be a little less lonely so she arranges the perfect romantic evening. Will sparks fly or will someone die?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuck in the Middle with You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jennilynn411](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennilynn411/gifts).



> I intended to start my gift stories after The School of Hard Knocks ended but this story just wouldn't give me a break. I hope you all enjoy a little Christmas cheer and romance with villains.

Everything was set for her plan, now all she had to do was bait the trap. Harley found her phone and called her best friend’s number. The Joker was sitting at his desk working on some plot for New Year’s Eve. He was shaking his head a little and laughing at her. He thought her plan was doomed but at least he was being cooperative about helping with it.

“It’s not going to work.” He said with another laugh.

“Shhh!” She attempted to quiet him when Ivy picked up. “Hey, Red! Merry Christmas!”

“Christmas is tomorrow, Harley. But thank you anyway. You know I don’t really love this holiday but I appreciate the thought.” Poison Ivy replied. Harley knew that Red hated Christmas though she couldn’t really understand why. It didn’t matter how much she ranted about trees and wreaths, Harley thought Red was missing the point. Presents were clearly the point of the whole thing, who cares if they are under a tree or not?

“I know you don’t like to do anything for Christmas but it would make me so happy if you would come over tonight for a little holiday celebration. I have a present for you!”

“Ugh, Harley! I really don’t want to sit next to a dead tree and spend time with the Joker.” Ivy complained.

“Please! For me! Besides we don’t have a dead tree. You may not think I do, but I listen. We have an artificial tree. It’s purple and sparkly. So much better than a boring green and brown tree. And Mr. J has promised to be on his very best behavior.” Harley pleaded.

“Oh I can just imagine what the Joker’s best behavior is like. Do I have to Harley? Can’t you come over here?”

“Nope, your surprise has to be here. It’s a really good one, Red. Satisfaction guaranteed.” Ok, so that was a bit of a gamble but what was the worst that could happen? A big Gotham City villain showdown? That could be just as much fun as what she had planned plus she had Mr. J on her side so nothing was ever much of a risk for her.

“Fine, I’ll come. But I’m not staying long.” Ivy finally agreed though her tone made it clear that she really didn’t want to come.

“That’s great, Red! Oh and wear something nice. See you tonight at six!” Harley hung up quickly before Ivy could change her mind.

“She said yes, Mr. J! This is going to be so wonderful!” Harley sighed thinking about her plans for the evening. The Joker got up and put his arms around her.

“Are you sure you want to do this, pooh? I don’t think it’s going to go the way you’re hoping and I hate seeing you hurt.” She gave him a look that said “yeah, right!” and he laughed. “Ok, I hate seeing anyone else hurt you.”

“I’m sure. Maybe it won’t turn out right but I’ve got to try. She’s been sort of sad and lonely lately. Besides, who can resist the evening I have planned?” She smiled thinking of the fun in store for them tonight.

“Well I agreed to help and I will, but just promise me that if this ends in bloodshed it won’t ruin your Christmas.”

“It won’t, besides I’ll bet Santa will bring me something special tonight. I have been a very good girl this year!” She gave him a seductive smile and then a kiss. He went back to his plotting for New Year’s and she got everything ready for her own little plan.

 

Ivy arrived a few minutes after six and Harley was running around in a tizzy. If they were late they’d miss the best part and there wouldn’t be time to get snacks! When her friend finally knocked on the door, Harley threw it open dramatically and dragged Ivy in quickly. She pulled her down the hall into the room that the Joker and their other special guest were waiting in while talking a mile a minute.

“You’re late! But you’re here now, yay! Merry Christmas! You look beautiful, green is totally your color. Ok I know you’re going to be angry but I really am doing this for you. It’s not good to spend all of your time alone with just some plants. Especially not at Christmas. So just keep an open mind and give this a chance. You owe me one, I did just get you out of Arkham last month. And besides the past is the past. People change, they grow. You never know if you don’t try, right?” Harley gushed at Ivy as they walked. Ivy tried to interrupt several times but there was no getting through Harley’s tidal wave of talking.

Finally they entered the room where the Joker was sitting and laughing while a very annoyed Harvey Dent was standing against a wall flipping his coin. Harley blocked the doorway with her body as soon as Red was in the room and prepared herself to have to stop any escape attempts.

“What is he doing here?”

“What the hell, Harley?”

“Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, hee hee hee. Oh if you could see your faces! Ha ha, ho, ha ha!”

“Ok, everyone be quiet and I’ll explain.” Harley yelled over the noise of angry protest and laughter. Ivy and Harvey both stared at her angrily while the Joker doubled over in laughter. She decided to just ignore Mr. J’s laughter, trying to stop the Joker from laughing was a lost cause.

“It’s Christmas. Everyone should have someone at Christmas. So I invited over two wonderful and, in my opinion, lonely people looking for love. And we’re going to have a super fun night together. And anyone who doesn’t like it has to get past me!” She probably wasn’t a match for Ivy and Harvey together but she did have an ace up her sleeve, well a Joker really.

“We’ve already tried this Harley, it really didn’t work out.” Ivy was clearly trying hard to reason with Harley.

“Yeah, Harley. She tried to kill me!” Harvey complained.

“Oh, come on! What kind of a villain are you? She tried to kill you? Poor you! What a baby! Do you think Mr. J and I let a few murder attempts here and there stop our love? Of course not!” Harley scolded Two-Face. Ivy snickered at her tirade. “And as for you, I know all of your secrets Ms. Poison Ivy and I’m willing to spill exactly what you told me about a certain two faced villain’s performance in the sack if you don’t get real cooperative, real fast! I try not to stroke anyone’s ego except Mr. J’s but if I’ve gotta tell Harvey how high he rated with you I will!”

Ivy’s face got pale and she quickly tried to shut Harley up. “Ok, that’s enough. I’ll do what you want but I’m not going to start dating him. You can’t make me do that.”

Harvey stood a little taller and leered at Ivy. “Just how high did I rate?”

“Quiet!” Harley demanded. “Ok here’s what’s going to happen. We are all going on a double date. It’s going to be an amazing night of romance. No one is going to try to kill anyone else. No one is going to complain. At the end of the night you two are free to do what you want so long as I feel you tried your best to have a good time. Got it?”

“Fine.” Ivy grumbled.

Harvey flipped his coin and looked down at it. “Ok, Harley.”

“I’m not sure I can agree not to try to kill anyone else, Harls.” The Joker complained. Harley didn’t bother dignifying that with a reply. She already knew the rules never applied to the Joker anyway.

“Ok, now that we’ve sorted that out, let’s go!” Harley walked away and expected the others to follow along.

 

In the car Harley ignored all questions about where they were going and tried to get everyone to sing Christmas carols instead. The Joker joined in on Jingle Bells though as always he insisted on singing his own version that involved Batman. Otherwise it was just her and everyone else was quiet. That is until they pulled up to their destination.

“The circus?” Ivy asked.

“The circus!!” Harley squealed.

“This is your idea of romance, Harley?” Two-Face asked and then answered his own question. “Ok, yeah. This is your idea of romance, makes total sense.”

When they got out of the car Harley skipped and scampered ahead of the rest of the group, she was too excited to trudge along in the snow. She got to the entrance way ahead of them and waited impatiently while jumping up and down. They were going to the circus, how could they be so calm? Mr. J’s eyes were sparkling with amusement as he watched her jumping around like a little kid. At least he got it. Finally they caught up with her and went inside. It was glorious! Souvenirs and snacks and things that lit up and spun around were being sold all around them as they walked towards the arena entrance.

“Cotton candy, daddy!” Harley shrieked. The Joker snagged a bag off a cart while the person manning the stand had his back turned. He handed the bag to Harley with a smile. It was pink and blue, her favorite flavor. This night was going so great. They found their seats and after an attempt on Ivy’s part to sit away from Two-Face, Harley finally got the two of them sitting next to each other. There were still a few minutes before the show started but a troop of clowns came out to warm up the crowd and interact with the audience. Uh oh. Harley had a little issue with clowns. She looked over at Harvey and Ivy who were staring ahead in silence. Well so long as they weren’t paying attention to her anyway…. She climbed over into the Joker’s lap and started kissing him. There were times when he was standoffish with her but the circus was not one of them. He liked her little clown fetish and encouraged it. Their kissing quickly escalated to a full on make out session

“What are you doing? We’re in public. At a family event!” Ivy hissed at the lip locked couple. The Joker pulled his mouth away from Harley’s and she just moved on to kissing her way down to his neck. She loved Ivy but she wasn’t going to let her weird hang ups ruin this for her.

“I’m surprised you didn’t know this already, Pammy, Harley has a thing for clowns. And the circus? She can’t really control herself at the circus.” He laughed, Harley felt the vibrations buzz through her lips and bit down on his neck a lightly.

“So why not do that on another night? Why have your make out session with us here?” Ivy complained.

“Oh we’ve been to every show. This is the last night before they leave town. Harley never misses the circus. It’s been a challenging but delightful week.”

“Are you juicing or something J? Don’t they do like two shows a day? For a week?” Harvey sounded impressed.

“No, Harvey, I’m not ‘juicing’. I have all the motivation I need.” She smiled against his skin and then gave him a sharp nip that she knew he’d like. He moaned in response and she heard Harvey clear his throat and shift around in his seat. Ivy sighed.

“Hey Mister, knock it off. My kids don’t need to see your little show.” A voice from the row behind them complained. Harley looked up at the man with a glare. He didn’t look very threatened at all, damn she wasn’t in her costume so he had no idea who he was messing with. Then the Joker turned and looked at him. The man’s eyes got wide and his mouth dropped open.

“Aaaah! It’s the Joker!” The man screamed and panic erupted all around them. People started jumping out of their seats and running toward the exits, dragging their small children along with them.

“Time to make a break for it!” Harley yelled as she saw uniformed security guards headed their way. The four of them jumped up and began fighting their way out of the arena. Any one of them on their own could have taken on the circus security team without any problem but the four of them together? It was sort of pathetic how easy it was. With Ivy kissing people left and right and the Joker spraying acid out of the flower on his lapel there was hardly even a chance for her to do any damage. She got in a couple of punches but between the interrupted make out session and her lack of opportunities to fight, she was feeling very frustrated by the time they got to the car. She leaned her head against the window next to her and pouted.

“What’s wrong, pumpkin?” The Joker asked her.

“We’re missing the show and I barely got to fight and I left my cotton candy behind.” She wailed.

“Don’t worry, pooh. Daddy will fix it. I know just what you need.” He consoled her and she managed a small smile. If Mr. J said he would fix it, then he would. Her spirits bounced back and she waited to see what would happen next with enthusiasm.

“Can we just chalk this night up as a total failure and put an end to it?” Ivy asked as they drove away from the circus.

“It does seem like a lost cause.” Harvey agreed. See this was working out already. Before now Ivy and Harvey wouldn’t have agreed about anything.

“No, I have another idea that will cheer Harley up and you two did promise her the whole evening.” The Joker drove away to whatever place he thought would cheer her up. When they got close to their destination she recognized the neighborhood and squeaked happily while kissing Mr. J’s cheek.

“This is wonderful, Puddin’! You always know just what to do!” She clapped happily.

“Where are we going?” Harvey asked just as they pulled into their location. The building was shaped like a red and white circus tent with a neon sign shaped like a clown on top of it.

“It’s Circus of Pancakes!” Harley said excitedly. She turned around to look at her friends in the backseat. They stared back at her with horror on their faces.

“Are there clowns at the Circus of Pancakes?” Ivy asked in a worried voice.

“Oh there are so many clowns!” Harley exclaimed. Mr. J started laughing from the driver’s side.

“Won’t that be fun, Pammy?” He asked Ivy. She flipped him off and he laughed at her.

“Don’t worry, Red. We won’t get kicked out here. We’re regulars. They even have pancakes named after us. You should totally get the Harley Quinn, it’s awesome!” Harley jumped out of the car and ran into the restaurant. She walked to their regular corner booth at the back of the diner and bounced in her seat. Soon everyone else joined her. She pushed big plastic menus covered in clowns and pictures of pancakes over to Ivy and Harvey.

“Do they even have a vegan option?” Ivy asked while looking at the brightly colored pictures.

“Aren’t pancakes already vegan. Just don’t get any bacon.” Harvey suggested.

“No, Harv, pancakes are not vegan. How many times have I told you what vegan means and you still have no fucking idea!” She glared at the man next to her.

“I’ve always wondered why you don’t eat all meat, Pammy. I mean aren’t the plants your friends?” The Joker asked. Harley decided to interrupt this conversation. Red was really sensitive about the topic of factory farms and their encroachment on forested land and Harley really didn’t feel like hearing about it on Christmas Eve.

“Hey look, mistletoe!” She pointed to the wall behind Ivy and Harvey where a colorful picture of Mr. and Mrs. Claus kissing under some mistletoe was hanging. “I think that means you guys have to kiss.”

“That’s not real mistletoe, it’s just a picture. It doesn’t count. Besides, mistletoe is a parasite. It doesn’t make me feel like kissing anyone, especially not my ex.” Ivy complained.

Harley sighed and tried to think of anything else she could say to encourage Harv and Red to give things another chance. The waitress came and took their orders which at least distracted them for a minute. Soon a tray full of flavored pancake syrups was brought to their table in anticipation of their meal. Harley poked around until she found the strawberry and blueberry syrups and pulled them out of the crowd of flavors. Not able think of anything to make the conversation less awkward she poured a little drop of strawberry syrup on her finger but before she could get it into her mouth Mr. J grabbed her hand and wrapped his mouth around her finger instead. His gave her a heated look and she pulled her finger out of his mouth and replaced it with her tongue, climbing onto his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck. They picked up their make out session where it had left off and she moaned as she felt the Joker’s hand slide under her shirt.

“Could you guys not do that here?” Ivy asked.

“Aw leave them alone, it’s kind of hot.” Harvey said. The Joker and Harley ignored them and kept kissing.

“Just how long has it been for you Harvey if you find the Joker’s sex life arousing?”

“Probably less time than it’s been for you. And plants don’t count.”

“I don’t have sex with plants. I’m so sick of people saying that. I love them, I don’t _love_ them.”

“Either way I think you need more meat in your diet.”

“Oh and I suppose you want to be the one to give it to me?” Harvey didn’t say anything and Harley couldn’t help but imagine that they were staring at each other with passion. She couldn’t see though, she was busy with her own passion.

Just then their pancakes arrived. The waitress left them as quickly as she could. She was used to the Joker and Harley being there but the staff generally tried to just stay out of their way and hope they left quickly. Harley stopped kissing the Joker and looked down at their food. The Joker pancake special was a tall stack covered in whipped cream with green candied cherries for eyes, a strawberry glaze smile and green cotton candy hair. The Harley Quinn was two pancakes side by side, one strawberry and one blueberry and each side was covered in a big mound of cotton candy, one side pink and the other blue. Why anyone would order anything else she didn’t understand. Harvey and Ivy had both ordered something beige and boring looking. Suckers. She picked up the pile of pink cotton candy and fashioned a beard out of it on her face. Ivy rolled her eyes when Mr. J started eating it. Harvey just sort of stared at them. It was a little disconcerting. Even though the pancakes looked good, Harley was quickly distracted by the sticky sweet messy kisses that Mr. J was giving her. He whispered a wonderful idea into her ear.

She jumped out of the booth and the Joker quickly followed her and started pulling her away from the table. “So we’re going to go out to the car for a little while. Uh, you guys go ahead and eat. We’ll be back in like twenty minutes.”

“Don’t forget the syrup, Harls.” Mr. J reminded her. She grabbed the strawberry syrup and looked back up at Harvey and Ivy.

“Um, make that thirty minutes.” She corrected.

“Harley! Are you about to go do what I think you’re going to do with syrup, in the car that we drove here in?” Ivy asked.

“Gee I don’t know Red, I’d be surprised if you think about the types of things Mr. J thinks up but who knows?”

“You know what, Harley, you and J take your time. I’ll get a cab for Pam and I. We’ll take it from here.” Harvey offered and Ivy gave him a grateful look. Harley beamed, it had worked! Her plan had worked!

“Great! Merry Christmas!” She called as the Joker pulled her towards the door. When they got outside she started to walk to the car but Mr. J stopped her. He pulled her over to the front window where they could see Harvey and Ivy at the table.

“What are we doing Mr. J? I have the syrup, the car’s right there.”

“Just watch, Harley.” So she did. And she saw Harvey and Ivy talking to each other. Not fighting, talking. From the exaggerated expressions of disgust and annoyance followed by bursts of laughter Harley was fairly certain they were talking about Mr. J and her. And then after a laugh that left them both smiling at each other Harvey pointed back to the picture of mistletoe and the wall. After a couple of seconds Red leaned in and kissed him. Harley held her breath and waited. She was happy to see Ivy kiss him a second time. She started jumping up and down and clapping.

“Come on, pumpkin, let’s go. That syrup isn’t going to do depraved things all on its own.” The Joker said as he walked toward their car. Harley smiled and ran to catch up with him. Christmas really was the most wonderful time of the year!


End file.
